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I have trouble understanding the feelings of envy and jealousy. I've never been a jealous person.  I've always believed that we all have innate gifts that make us superstars.  I have never envied the natural talents of other people. I relish them, celebrate them, and I appreciate them. I know this isn't true for everyone. Toxic people seem to come out of nowhere. But they have watched and have identified you as a threat. When I met my first toxic person, I quickly learned how irrational their behavior could be. It may start with aggressive critiquing than passive-aggressive jabs. It's when you defend yourself against these jabs that things go left. Suddenly the person that has been passive-aggressively attacking deflect as if they are the victim. The toxic person accuses you of the exact infraction they have committed against you.  The first time this happens to you, it knocks you off your feet. You can't believe the other people around the toxic one doesn't know they are the culprit. Even more, it hurts me when I recall how I defended someone who was the object of someone exhibiting toxic behavior and now find yourself in the situation.

Whether it is on a larger scale or more personal, we inflict pain on ourselves when we keep secrets for toxic people.   It starts as an effort to keep the peace or protect others from the problem and the toxic person's ire. When we don't put a definite halt to the passive-aggressive behavior or hold their secrets, we enable the toxicity. We become complicit in the behavior. It's hard not to give in to groupthink by not seeing the "emperor" has no clothes.  In my experience with two toxic people, I became resentful for maintaining the secret after time. I did this because no one would believe the truth if I did spill the beans.  There is also guilt because you were complicit in creating the mirage of perfection for the toxic person.   It is risky to attempt unmasking them; unfortunately, they will probably have the support of those around them, and you will look like the agitator. It can be a lonely road to speak against a toxic person. I chose to remove myself from the toxic person's space.  I think it would be easy if toxic people were evil people who are mean and heartless to all they meet. They are not.  They usually treat some people with genuine kindness.  But this is also part of their manipulation. Toxic people focus on the few that they feel envious or threatened by and create an inhospitable space.

A murderer is a murderer, whether he kills one person or twenty. A toxic person should not get a pass only because they are not targeting you. We must understand that human beings are complex. They can be hateful to one person and loving and caring for another. We must remain strong and not support or feed into the culture of toxicity. Some time toxic people are fun and exciting when they are not attacking.  That's why it's challenging to let go of some of the most toxic people.   They have become a part of your everyday routine, and if you stop interacting with them, it can feel painful. To paraphrase Richard Rohr, you must transform your suffering from losing someone you could have considered a friend to avoid transmitting it to those around in your new space.

Stay strong.


1 comment

Well spoken. Toxic people bring other people down. We need to ignore toxic people and not be pulled into their drama.
We need to be positive and uplifting to others. Life is too hard and too short!

Dawn Cash November 21, 2020

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